[A journal, if you can find it, carved with a pattern of eyespot feathers, layering, dyed with blues, greens, and purples that almost shine, seemingly coated in a refined sap that has started to yellow slightly, seemingly unused until recently.]

Why am I writing in this journal after all this time? I think it’s probably the stress. Everything that has happened. My failures, my guilt. The expectation of perfection. How I have even failed myself, disappointed myself. I really believed, I really had hope….

And I thought I wouldn’t make mistakes again….yet still. I do.

I know there are those who might still believe in me. Even after all of this. I’m sure the rumor mill is going. I was supposed to have a back up. I was SUPPOSED to have a back up in case things went wrong, which they did-yet it was a matter of consent to me even if that doesn’t make a difference, one didn't have it, another I gave it to. A gem, one.single.gem. I was supposed to get that would have prevented one section of guilt. And instead, without having one, I panicked, like a fool. I could have stolen an ‘herb of taste’. But I was stupid. I’ve been stupid through it all. Wrong questions, expecting ‘a read’ to be helpful. As if he would have given me anything of major use, anyway. But putting everything, horrors aside, and massive defeat that has left us all shaken….I have to respect his power. He gave a fine chase and I am still in awe of my escape-and guilt of my escape still haunts me when so many weren't able to, but I have to wonder…he did say he has left places out of boredom. Had we put everyone behind closed doors? Stayed quiet? Maybe that read would have been helpful after all. Maybe it would have worked. I can’t…remember if I had told Lowe about that or not. I should have squashed all their dreams of glory in battle and found a way to force them to comply with sheltering in place. Especially Song, any purple mage at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if he brings friends next time and comes for me. But lessons have been learned, even if I have repeated the mistake that got me hexxed in the chase.

Firstly, do NOT listen to a certain set of critters.
Second, get any and all visions written down, and I want to crates at all the wayshrines with paper, ink, and pens for just that.
Third, trust the weird ones.
If there’s a fourth, it’s because of sheer bonding time spent…make critters comply. Which requires those with certain skills on my side.
-But honestly….I don’t know if I really think being involved is worth it. Even if I do want to be more than just a grunt apparently.

I guess my failings serve as a perfect excuse as to why I have mainly chosen to be out here. In that in all the stress, every little bit of affection made me question. Can’t have that. I know I am loved by many in certain ways, as a friend. But I cannot have myself questioning every little thing. Maybe shoving Cher and Bantam made things worse, but someone needed to be happy on some level. Are relationships a magical fix? No. But it was magical all the same in it’s own little way. Still makes me smile thinking on when Bantam had me sway him to never hurt Cher, even after I explained that wasn’t what sway does. It was very cute.

I snapped at Hemlock before the chaos, and I felt horrible. But during all that, when I went to Elysia….the gentle comfort when I was feeling so lost, so helpless, like such a failure.

Gods! I miss being taken care of. As much as I enjoy taking care of others….
Probably another reason I’m out here. I can’t help my nature. And maybe this is my calling.
I do adore Molly so much, but I don’t….I don’t think the wayshrine is where I belong now. I’m not a teacher in that way, even though I don’t need to be. I think I’m a guide of…some fashion, and it’s not like I wouldn’t help her if I went elsewhere, because absolutely I would, as I do with most. I do miss the boys greatly. Funny how so much always comes back to them.

Eyes thinks I haven’t become anything new, that I’ve just learned what he’s always known. I think maybe a part of that is true. I know money makes a barrier. But I don’t want that barrier with some. I just don’t, that wasn’t our way back home. I am always learning who to trust and have faith in, regardless.

I think Harris was right by process of elimination. We just didn’t know what to do with the greenstalks. Because it was ‘green stalks’. Not roots, not vines… And by the gods, that rabbit is too good for this world, even if he is a disaster, he makes it work. Somehow, he still has saving the world vibes beneath it all.

I don’t like how angry and resentful I’ve become towards some. Granted, Kevin, the soggy woodnut, deserves it by sheer idiocy.

Ginevra did make a mistake, selfish as it was, that could have cost us all and more-and had she just come to us with the idea of giving a name, even if she wanted whatever out of selfish reasons, we could have worked with that-might not have been helpful, but still. If we had won, I don’t think any of it would have been an issue. But, in talking to her, her story….I get it. Eyes is extremely ticked off at her, and rightfully so. On the other paw, I have softened greatly. Loyalty begets loyalty. She is actually a good critter under the mask she puts on, and her potential is great even if she has much to learn-which she does. And she did have a good idea at one point apparently, when however, I’m not sure of. Maybe if she had reached her potential in black magic sooner. She is afraid, upset, hurt. Doesn’t think Eyes should be out here with her. He sees her as family, as I told her family doesn’t always ‘like’ each other. Not that I would know. I guess clan comes close.

Eyes…poor Eyes. I think this is going to change him for the worse, and I worry I may not be able to pull him out of it. Maybe it will be something he just needs to get out of his system. If Mire was here…maybe she could help. But I truly do not know. He is certainly right about some things. Once again, it comes down to communication issues.

I could just as easily say, maybe if we had worked together sooner, also. But we were all sitting in our own egos, probably the biggest mistake everyone made, especially me. As for Miracle, she couldn’t even get idiots to sit still long enough to get layered in buffs. The fighters and Lowe need to learn when to listen, even if they have good intentions, fighting isn't the way out of every situation...nor rituals. I hope this mess has served as a lesson. I know I’ve taken it as such-even if I’m having trouble getting it to stick (cue once-twice-thrice to get it down, I just need to prevent the thrice), and quite frankly, depending on how things are once this exile is over-there WILL be a talk. And judging upon how that goes, I may just have to thank Veraius, even if he did curse a whole lot of us and damn Ginevra. 

Yet, even out here, I’m still messing up. I could feel it just as I did in that chase…but they were comfortable and I didn’t want to take that away from them even if I was worrying. I need to stop letting my guard down. Clearly my instincts do work, they just need more work and I need to learn to trust them from the get-go.

Everything is a lesson in the end. Do they all know how much they teach me? Probably not. I probably shouldn’t let on to that. Maybe I am a disappointment, I know I am to myself. I guess I should start making lists….

Even when the exile ends, I’ll probably be out here a bit longer. And may very well come back out here often. I need to get my feelings sorted and under control. I know all things come in time, that is what being in the wild is all about. It just feels….I don’t know. I may never know. I need to find a way to be okay with that.

My final thoughts at present is to use the forest as a shrine in and of itself. To try and find joy in this misery. More theirs than mine. The fact that Eyes has to have cooked food is a problem. I had considered taking up yellow magic once I got further in blue, I should have just before coming out here. I will just have to merely rectify this if I do decide to be a guide. Likely my first agenda when this is done. Never thought I'd go into rehab as a kind of work-not-work, but here we are. Maybe it makes sense.

Ginevra and Eyes are losing hope slowly, and it’s starting to affect me some. Mostly, it’s breaking my heart and making me sad. I'm afraid Eyes is going to come out worse after this, and I'm not Dove. If I had been properly prepared, if we had moved when I felt like we should. Eyes points out there’s nothing good from this way of thinking. Maybe, but it makes me plan better for the future, especially if pseudo-exile is something I want to make an option. Keeps me going some, even when I’m tired. And I’ve been so, so very tired ever since…..there was no one else stepping up. Isn’t trying better than everyone giving up? I am not so sure now. I am burdened with regret, and it’s not even regret for trying in and of itself. It’s the fact that I’m fearful of never hearing the end of my failure, as if I don’t beat myself up more than anyone else ever possibly could.

Nothing to be done about that now.

Eyes has been saying he keeps having feelings about wanting to go back ‘home’ even though he doesn’t seem to know where or what that even is. He’s done his task that he planned as best as he could with Ginevra, and is still mad at her which I understand. I….forgive her, and I probably should tell her that, and that I’m proud at how far she’s come. Ginevra is doing a lot better at following the gods. Thanking them at every turn. Thanking me at nearly every turn (I need to get out of the headspace of just being a 'grunt' and shrinking at thanks....I think I've been getting better? It's still weird.). Who knew? Shame that it took this to get here, but that is…will of the gods or just how things go, maybe some of both? Personalities can often clash at points. And I’ll admit I’m annoying at times, just as swiftly as I’ll say I can have, for better or worse, some amazing, if sometimes questionable, timing.

I think Gin and Hemhem might get along, and I have mentioned that. Her friend circle is likely to shift, and she will need support. And as I was trying to figure out others that might be friendly towards her, I mentioned Walker. Eyes called him a public grandpa...which isn't wrong. And now I’m wanting to call Arsene ‘Princess Pancake’ for some reason. Is it inspiration? Or is it whimsy?

Quarrel has been spying, which is hardly a big surprise, I’ve seen the light shift here and there. Bits and pieces are just that, bits and pieces. Not the whole picture. I know I shouldn’t be concerned with what is and isn’t heard. Yet…pressure is always there even when it’s not apparent. Conversations will always ebb and flow as topics shift, it’s just natural.

The cloak I gave to Eyes has fallen apart. I’m often cold. That’s the only real, substantial problem I’m actually having at the moment. At least I was able to take them to Windless before that. Though that strange fox showed up right as we were leaving.
If it wasn’t for being cold….

Though I still haven’t even begun to sort out everything that’s going on in my head, though I suppose some stuff has narrowed down, which is what I needed at the very least. Perhaps I should go take some time and just go talk to myself when they don’t actively need me on the beach. I’ll look crazy, but that’s the least of my prices to pay lately. And I still need to write down that proposal for at least the one alternative punishment. Ah-but that should be a collaboration, because while I get the idea of enshrinement, it would be better if Eyes explained it and where it would be a viable option.

Communication, collaboration. Two things that need to be majorly fixed around here.

As I told Gin, if she had just come to us with what she wanted to do, we might have been able to work with that or work around it. But she was too closed off, and I understand given her history. Not like I was doing much better. Then again, I tend to shut down easily over some things.

She has been making books, even if blank, and sacrificing them to Elyenne. Eyes worries about the candles….I have to have faith we don’t need them, that the forest is enough.