(IIIII intended to post this a week or so ago, and forgot to! I finally have something to put here so)

[An old, bark-bound journal laid on the desk. Its pages appeared unnaturally delicate, as if they should not have survived the obvious turmoil it had experienced. Water damage was obvious, but none of the text contained within it had bled. A good portion of pages have been ripped out; About half of it remains yet to be written.

Flipping though, it was easy to notice that the author was not much of an artist. The depictions were sloppy, too focused on the appearance of things and not the form underneath. But there was an honesty to them, using light and shadow as if trying to capture an emotion or memory instead of reality. A whole page consumed by charcoal, leaving only empty, white eyes. Dragoneye revealed when turning another, causing your skin to itch at its sudden stare. The flash of a being just barely recognizable as a critter clinging to an unfathomable inky depth, shying from shards of light that seemed to have teeth.

Hastily skipping the rest of that portion uncovered a series of pages that appeared entirely blank... Bringing them closer to a candle, in hopes of finding indentations that would give a clue as to what was written over them, showed a very faint outline of words. Of course in the haste to try to darken the appearing letters further the page burns. It was never for your eyes.]

(Spoilers for recent IC events. TW for symptoms of trauma, nothing extreme.)

[Many months worth of drawings stretch across the pages, all of which are unmarked. The skill seems slightly improved, but they seem to have a similar mood. Dark tones layered as if the artist was pulling the work from the shadows, instead of forming the picture. Most are of dragons, or other mythical creatures. However, there are three that divert from this pattern. A bloodied mask, a very detailed saber, and much more recently, a sapphire in a display case. The most recent page in the journal, however, consists purely of writing. The script is almost clawed into the page; it is torn in some areas.]

I said I wouldn't write again. Obviously, that is a lie. I said it was because more critters might manage to find it. Read it. Another lie. I don't like when they pry into my mind, but mostly it feels like writing it means [the rest of the paragraph has been slashed out]

Regardless... I feel like I should. Now. I need to figure out which words are mine, and which are someone else's. There's too many in my head right now. Nothing new, I suppose. "You really are different, Quarrel." It is obvious what he meant by that. I feel it too. I can only pray that I have changed for the better.

It is strange to mark all of this down. Like I'm talking to someone else, but expect them to understand everything that happened. I haven't really told many critters. Only the parts that matter to them. Not that they understand anyway. Or maybe they do. They seem content to deem what I do as a necessary evil of sorts. 

Yet they still fear me.

I guess it's a good thing. Being feared means I can more easily intimidate those who seek to do true harm. Prevent them from following through. I meant what I told Bright Eye before. As long as there is a scrap of [again, the sentance is missing] I don't know what he's doing here. I can't believe anything he says. I have no real eyes on him. I can't do anything, short of repeatedly beating him. I can't kill him. And there's no prison. He planned it all out. I know that. There was only one thing he didn't account for. But he obviously realized that...

I have Silyna to thank for teaching me it.

[The following paragraph has the same issue as a prior entry... clawed and tattered.]

I refuse to comment on Hemlock's... wishes. I've no doubts he's told other critters. I still don't understand why. Are the gods testing me? Expecting me to flounder like the others before me? I'm not so vain as to really think that.... but I won't sit here and lie by insisting I don't fear [this part is too damaged to read]. That's the point of this, isn't it? To have a place I can't lie in? Yet I do not say everything. Another type of lie, in truth.

Il-Tira knows what the future holds... but I couldn't do it before, and I certainly can't now. Althas strike me from existance if that ever changes, though it would be better than I'd deserve.

[The print afterwards is obviously done by the same author, yet it is considerably lighter.]

Bear once again outdid himself. Dharasi be praised, it was absolutely perfect, though it took quite a bit from what he said. I thought he didn't like it at first... but he made it very clear that wasn't the case. I feel far better knowing he has it. I'll continue to train him as much as I can. He still hesitates, and that will be the hardest thing to teach.

Velyra knows I still haven't learned.

Velyra. I do not what Molly meant, but she's always been wiser than me. I can only pray I figure it out before something else happens.

(Spoilers for current ongoing plot. TW for generally very dark implications.)

Writing is easier now. I don't know if it is because I'm more used to it, or... well. No sense dwelling on it, only my thanks to Elyenne. There's a lot I could say. A lot I should say. I thought it would be better if I... 

I was wrong. He was so sick, and terrified. Not without cause, of course, the only reason I'm holding it together is because I'm more useful like this. I swore to him. Stupid as I am for doing so... but he didn't seem to understand, unlike Meshi. That fox knows what the reality is... I don't expect Sebastian to hit me. But I pray he does, if he's there when it happens. They cannot have mercy, not for me.

I expected Eyes. Usually I would go straight to rest, but I knew to look. I pray it continues to help him. They care about him. He seems to know this.

I don't have the time or energy to write more. I need rest. Gods, I need rest.

[The script seems to have improved further, though it is still not quite what it had been.]

I don't know where to begin, again. My thoughts are still... slow and it hurts... but I feel a bit better. Well enough to make some manner of sense. I am glad Bright Eye was around, it seems like she had much to share. Maybe she can get it through their heads, Il-Tira knows they wouldn't listen to me. I had to send them away, and I have no regrets about it. It is one of many actions I expect to pay for later, but as long as it is my own blood... well, I've made it clear how little I think of that cost compared to others.

... perhaps I should work on that. 'Noble', 'monster', 'kind', 'cruel', 'just', 'unfair'. It's as if they can never make up their minds. Maybe it is as simple as my own nature being contradictory, a coin flipping over and over. It is not their opinions I concern myself with... though Velyra sees how much I've come to appreciate the company.

Ah, I should write down a list of what I need for that sleepover they talked about while I have my mind... and pray Elyenne continues to let me keep it. Especially since I'll need it to learn what they want me to...

1. Bring the two blankets (don't think he has one)
2. Bring sleeping aids (I trust them. As terrifying as it is... I really, truly, trust them. I also have the distinct feeling I am NOT sleeping otherwise)
3.  2 pizzas, sliced (serves the four of us twice over, plenty to fill a critter)
4. 4 batches of cookies, 12 total, 3 each (I may not have much of a sweet tooth, but I can still appreciate them)*
5. 3 root beer (I know this is his favorite)
6.  3 bitterberry cider (if I remember it is what he prefered?)
7. 3 loveberry tea (she seems like the type)
8. 3 milk (... I should make new memories, instead of letting the old ones taint my life. I do not need to forget, or forgive, but... I would like to heal)
9. *See about having pain-relieving herbs added to the cookies. He seems to be hurting more from Althas' rain

If my math is correct... this will be about a drake in cost for all of the food. I'll let someone else bring the items for the fire, I think.

And I'll sacrifice that topaz to Velyra... when I find the words. Or, maybe to find the words. When I'm not so much of a coward.